Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
#TopTip
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
no regrets
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
titanic
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose