Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot