Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I need better friends
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.