*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
*3.5 thank you very much.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it