*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea