If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You Might Also Like
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
next question.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic