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@shawnpearlman: Overheard: "I think that guy is listening to us."
@ch000ch: i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
@SadMeterologist: Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
@Sean_Burgundy_: I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with "Why did you save my number?"
@Donna_McCoy: If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you're a bad cook.
@WilliamAder: Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.