Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Sponch