Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.