Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???