Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I can’t stop watching this.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it