When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost