@headway10: Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"
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@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
@rpbateman: Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I've been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
@keatingthomas: They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, "Actually, that just went up 500%."