I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”