overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
just got my engagement photos
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.