dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this