Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
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too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
What the hell happened in there??
Make new friends? bro out of what?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Not recommended for beginners.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Can. I. Help. You.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.