Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex