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I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Real House Wines.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.