Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.