[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about