*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I don’t know what to do
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops