[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Have kids, they said
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?