Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not