Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
a public service announcement
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?