@samalmightysam: Overweight people know they're overweight, tall people know they're tall, why is it that stupid people don't know what they are?
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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He picked a fight with a raccoon" HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
@weinerdog4life: Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
@TheAlexNevil: 2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son *son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards* Well, there's always next year
@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.