“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours