“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something