why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.