Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you