Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
craving $300 all of a sudden
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.