Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
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just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.