Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note