ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My sex drive has a dui
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
anyone else like Italian cereal
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.