Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!