Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My current situation
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles