OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
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we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal