OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.