P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.