P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Oh my God.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁