PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
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5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Okay, I’m still confused…
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
the best thing i’ve ever made
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard