Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist