Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You Might Also Like
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
How funny!
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Life cycle of cat
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem