Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.