Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Seems a bit forward
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”