[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Ugh but profoundly
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.