[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.