[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that