I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Basically.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.