Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
You Might Also Like
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.