Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
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I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.