Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@xforcades2: you ever been stalking someone on insta and you see a pic that you've liked and have that "omg did i do that just now or a while ago" moment

@ArfMeasures: Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@iwearaonesie: me [holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

@fu_dad: Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

@BigJDubz: Me: I wanna buy some weed
Dealer: how much?
Me: oh man, I wanna buy it SO BAD

@KylePlantEmoji: A fun game you can play with someone who claims they're going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they're getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@AimeeHelene1: I haven't ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

@Dustinkcouch: me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

@sarcasticmommy4: My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

@jackiembouvier: Me: Let's go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.