@murrman5: [me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
@Fred_Delicious: Simba - "welcome to... The bone zone"
Nala - "the what?"
Simba - "elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard"
@Fred_Delicious: Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
@dafloydsta: ME: I'm dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
@SteveSuckington: "Dad I think there's a monster in my room"
-Seriously? You're 33 years old. You live in a different state.
"Just put mom on the phone"
@Vodkantots: Listen, guys. I've had two kids.
Your promise to "destroy" it is no good here.
@neiltyson: There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
@That_kids_dad: Never ask a girl "How are you single?"
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
@cbdoubleu: [hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here's a basket ball