Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@LlamaInaTux: [Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he's all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

@AndyRichter: The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@ohen39: [meeting girlfriend's parents]
me: I'm a big fan of your work

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I've been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn't eat it

@Gupton68: I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

@OrdinaryAlso: Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

@MythoCreature: My tweets are like a crack head with a shopping cart. No one knows where I'm going with it.

@jbmsoccerdad: Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

@isabelzawtun: Movie trivia is always like, "The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter."

@UncleDuke1969: [job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on...
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on...
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?