@_steamy_mac: Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I'm pretending I'm gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.
@LittleMissAngr1: I misheard my elderly neighbour when she asked to borrow some tongs and now this fistful of underwear dangles awkwardly between us.
@mela_shea: How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
@taramae72: Ladies, do you think you're hip and cool? Do you think you're stylish? If so, having a teenage daughter may help clear these delusions from your head.
@envydatropic: *Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
@Parkerlawyer: Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.