Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@IvoryGazelle: *reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it's totally cool, 5 second rule

@JimmerThatisAll: "Where is your god now?" I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

@BoyNamedPierre: If you skip down the street in your thirties, people leave you alone.

@PJTLynch: Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

@Smooheed: *signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

@someonesmomma: Oh no, it's raining! What do I do? What's a green light? What's a stop sign? What's a blinker? Where's the brake pedal?


@MavenofHonor: Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

@underchilde: I compared thee to a summer's day because I hate summer.

@drayzze: If you're desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.

At least you still have standards.