@surasshu: O M G. i had to screenshot this before CNN deletes their tweet 😂😂😂
@Angibangie: Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I'm just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you're gone because I can't not-live like this!
@G_Faylor: [getting moidered]
is this because i'm from new joisey?
@geowizzacist: I'm just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
@LostInAisle3: It never fails: whenever I'm at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I'm a CSI.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Me: *sigh* I've had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here's some cream
@whimsik_l: *sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
@WheelTod: It's amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
@WheelTod: [First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
@mattZillaaaa: It's painful when you lose an ex. It's even more painful when they come back.