Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@DecantAndPour: I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.

@Tmoney68: The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can't follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

@mollzbenn: Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a really nice house to be miserable in.

@_b1p0larbear: Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don't know whether to be impressed or scared.

@_b1p0larbear: Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.

@AndyAsAdjective: gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says "MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU'RE KID" just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

@kumailn: "Forget our mess. I'll go into the beauty of the natural world."
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
"I'll go back to the news."

@Marlebean: P: ...
M: ...
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that's not how...
Me: I'm very uptight.

@Brampersandon_: BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*

@QwertyJones3: [leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit