Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@mrjohndarby: [looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

@TheToddWilliams: I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

@GrantTanaka: this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

@HatfieldAnne: Just because you didn't say "thank you" doesn't mean I'm won't say "you're welcome." No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

@Rollinintheseat: Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

@bigracksonly: Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

@BondJohnBond: The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

@DannyDutch: Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

@ColIegeStudent: College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.