Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Mardigroan: Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

@mindflakes: People often ask me if there's a good reason why I'm sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

@Ryanfc706: After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.

@HenpeckedHal: HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

@Book_Krazy: [on my deathbed]

Me: Where...*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I'M UP!!!

@Phook75: People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine

@AbbyHasIssues: Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@girlnarly: teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

@MichelleLoserby: HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What's this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They're all gonna be pizza rolls.

@KeetPotato: me: [whispers] "don't tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster"
my wife: [getting out car] "what the hell happened?!"
all 6 firemen: "he made bacon in the toaster"