Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@murrman5: [cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

@OctopusCaveman: A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

@UnFitz: My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

@OctopusCaveman: I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

@BoomBoomBetty: Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

@AndyAsAdjective: After months of trying, I finally have a runner's body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

@: After months of trying, I finally have a runner's body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

@JannaKilimnik: Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree... a fake tree... in the middle of a restaurant.

@junejuly12: If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@DadZZZasleep: me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum