Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@_steamy_mac: Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I'm pretending I'm gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.

@sofarrsogud: Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

@LittleMissAngr1: I misheard my elderly neighbour when she asked to borrow some tongs and now this fistful of underwear dangles awkwardly between us.

@mela_shea: How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

@GorillaNipples1: God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

@taramae72: Ladies, do you think you're hip and cool? Do you think you're stylish? If so, having a teenage daughter may help clear these delusions from your head.

@WilliamAder: Our cat doesn't like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

@envydatropic: *Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

@Parkerlawyer: Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.