Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@xforcades2: you ever been stalking someone on insta and you see a pic that you've liked and have that "omg did i do that just now or a while ago" moment

@ArfMeasures: Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@iwearaonesie: me [holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”

@fu_dad: Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”


“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

@BigJDubz: Me: I wanna buy some weed
Dealer: how much?
Me: oh man, I wanna buy it SO BAD

@KylePlantEmoji: A fun game you can play with someone who claims they're going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they're getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@AimeeHelene1: I haven't ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

@Dustinkcouch: me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

@sarcasticmommy4: My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

@jackiembouvier: Me: Let's go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.