@Kristen_Arnett: some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
@JediGigi: [a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
@HatfieldAnne: A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
@ThisOneSayz: *Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
Detective: Look, I'm just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
@GingaSnapppa: If you need someone to keep a secret then I'm your girl. I'll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
@3sunzzz: Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that's not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.