Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@MichaelTrying: As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

@Vodkantots: My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.

@ComedicBust: I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.

@CulturedRuffian: I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@markydoodoo: Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there's holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

@bananagrvyrd: My DNA results came back and apparently I'm .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I've ever had. About anything.

@TheAlexP: [1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

@Wine_Honey1: The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done

@3sunzzz: "I think this cereal has gone bad." *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

@nachosarah: when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend