Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BuckyIsotope: TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

@kbizzo30: Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class.... long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car

@brryyccceee: My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

@CeciMula: I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.

@Mostly_Cheese: Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

@DaddyJew: Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick

@DulmesKenzie: Today this guy was trying to find his wife in Fred Meyer and he yelled “marco” and she yelled back “polo” and he looks at me and says “that came from the wine section didn’t it” and oh my god I think I just saw my actual future.

@DaddyJew: Me: stop playing with your food

Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?

M: touchė

@envydatropic: Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

@pplwtching: Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.