@Mardigroan: Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
@mindflakes: People often ask me if there's a good reason why I'm sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is
@HenpeckedHal: HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
@Book_Krazy: [on my deathbed]
Me: Where...*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I'M UP!!!
@Phook75: People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine
@girlnarly: teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
@MichelleLoserby: HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What's this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They're all gonna be pizza rolls.
@KeetPotato: me: [whispers] "don't tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster"
my wife: [getting out car] "what the hell happened?!"
all 6 firemen: "he made bacon in the toaster"