Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@tsm560: Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.

@junejuly12: Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don't.
Me: I don't really.
Me: I don't! And that's final.

@MelvinofYork: If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I'm going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@whatmaddness: Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

@AndrewChamings: [having sex] this is the best sex I've ever had

her: ok let's take your bike helmet off tho

@Shade510: Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert...came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

@iGreenMonk: Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like "listen to your stomach".

@Freudianscript: I need to start paying more attention when i'm talking to myself.

@AimeeHelene1: At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I'm in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

@ShortSleeveSuit: [speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]: