Funny Tweeter

@t_cuppp: Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

@t_cuppp: Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.

@KKAlThani: David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.

@kristygee: I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

@Fred_Delicious: *cop bursts into bathroom* "KID DON'T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!" *toilet is wearing shades* "damn. we're too late" *toilet rides off on motorcycle*

@briangaar: Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@meganamram: "Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman's body" - Russian nesting doll

@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

@MyHairyLife: I am man. Hear me ask my wife for permission to roar.

@owlcity: If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.