@AmishPornStar1: It's important to be comfortable in your own skin...
Because, apparently, it's illegal to wear someone else's.
@WilliamAder: Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
@ElleOhHell: [Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*
@TheOnion: To see more unmatched reporting, visit
@KyleMcDowell86: [cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
@CulturedRuffian: Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
@DaddyJew: Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
@Jake_Vig: "Do as many squats as you feel like, I don't want to get involved."
- impersonal trainer
@ClichedOut: They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
@mattgallo123: Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says "it still smells like pot in here."