@MichaelTrying: As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
@Vodkantots: My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.
@ComedicBust: I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
@CulturedRuffian: I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
@markydoodoo: Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there's holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
@bananagrvyrd: My DNA results came back and apparently I'm .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I've ever had. About anything.
@TheAlexP: [1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
@nachosarah: when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend