Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@david8hughes: Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

@HelloCullen: Maybe print wouldn't be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

@SJSchauer: One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said "do you like air conditioning" and I said "yea" and he said "me too." and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

@SoVeryBritish: Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

@: Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

@UnFitz: *puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

@3sunzzz: I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn't late, she's not coming.

@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1999. Eminem's mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

@FabMommy29: If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

@iwearaonesie: How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock