Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Kristen_Arnett: some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

@dixonshuman: Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

@mollzbenn: "Follow your dreams!" say the people who won't pay my rent.

@JediGigi: [a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

@weezeebee: Being a zombie wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't for all the walking.

@HatfieldAnne: A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

@ThisOneSayz: *Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

....

Detective: Look, I'm just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

@squirrel74wkgn: [after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

@GingaSnapppa: If you need someone to keep a secret then I'm your girl. I'll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

@3sunzzz: Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that's not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.