Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ArfMeasures: DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth

@stevevsninjas: CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

@imjustdiane: The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

@stealingyergirl: [first day as a psychic]

Boss: You're fired.

Me: Man, I did not see that coming.

Boss: And now you know why.

@brunopieroni: Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

@chuuew: Date: I can't believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

@mollzbenn: There's a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.

@hollyadkison: Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.

@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

@inanimatecorpse: I'll write a song about you! What's your name?

Horse: Agamemnon

Agana.. Anga... ang..

🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name