Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@lisaxy424: Next time I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It's a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

@EyeSeeYou619: Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

@rkatz94: Me: I'll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
"Your dad's alive. He's hiding in Cuba"

M: Did NOT see that coming

@edgarrants: I wish my wife's milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@JoParkerBear: "Don't ever do cocaine, son."

"Why, mommy? Is it bad for you?"

"I was going to say 'expensive,' but yeah, whatever."

@djdarrellripley: Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody's getting sued...

@MasterOfFury: Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

@PaperWash: Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she's racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is