Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@iscoff: if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you're born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

@Book_Krazy: Satan: What's that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

@LoverOfComics94: How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you're going to do 2. Don't do it 3. Change the subject.

@Vodkantots: If a guy doesn't return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn't, but it might be.

@MsReyda: Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

"U got gum?"

"Give me some lotion"

"Hold my gun"

@DennisFarrell: Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

@RobbieGramer: Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

@ClichedOut: [Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

@JohnLyonTweets: One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.