Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@PhuckedCody: me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@PaperWash: [father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how'd you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I've had a lot of DUIs

@TheHyyyype: [locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won't come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn't worry about it

@ArfMeasures: COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you'd think

@LizHackett: ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

@NOTVIKING: dentist: you need to-

me: i need to floss more?

dentist: no, you need to get out of my house. it’s 2:30am

me: [muffled behind ski mask] tooth hurty a.m.

@junejuly12: Troubleshooting steps when your car won't start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

@LilSuzieV: I swear I'm about to be productive. Any minute now...

@liz_buckley: My office password's been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

@thatdutchperson: [at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

"Sir, that's a bench."

Me: perfect.