@MartaEffing: Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.
@occupied_stall: I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I'm gonna live stream my proposal..
@DirtMcTurd: I was getting chased by a man yelling "STOP, POLICE!" & I yelled "YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL!" But he kept chasing me
@ItsAndyRyan: Boss: Can I have a word?
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
@Birdhumms: A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
@AimeeHelene1: Them: Ma'am, we're going to have to ask you leave...
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
@KalvinMacleod: [first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
@JimmerThatisAll: In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
@mrjohndarby: [on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I've always wanted to do that
Farmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
@Puncroaker: I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can't speak a word of Zumba.