Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@: Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It's my face

@Cheeseboy22: I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for "American Water."

@JohnLyonTweets: A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

@PetrickSara: Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

@continentlbkfst: boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok


announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

@batkaren: The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

@fro_vo: FRIEND: it's saturday! you know what that means...
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

@Grommit56: A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won't speak. It throws up it's hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

@ThugRaccoons: [Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

@MissHavisham: Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.