@lafix: good work, everybody
@luvsoralfun: Relationship status: looking for a woman whose family would pay me $1mil to disappear and not contact her anymore...
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
@mattwhitlockPM: dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are
@mrjohndarby: her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
@popespeed: i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase "really going to town" in sex scenes
@_coryrichardson: me: i can’t make it to work today
boss: why not
me: [trying to make something up] uh.... my grandmas gerbil exploded
boss: how does that keep happening
@GlennyRodge: "Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause..."
Barista: I'm writing "Mo".