@AnnietheNanny1: I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I'm over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
@SunshineJarboly: when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
@ArfMeasures: Me: What's wrong?
Wifi: You're obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you've spelled wife
@eff_yeah_steph: Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
@ryanaboyd: Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
@dorsalstream: ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
@NewDadNotes: Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
@DadandBuried: Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
@LindaSuePark: Dear makers of women's clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
@: Dear makers of women's clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.