Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@WilliamAder: My cat didn't get me a Father's Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

@Marcmywords2: Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
"sorry dad, I thought you were asleep".

@DaddyJew: Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?

Husband:

Wife:

Husband:

Wife:

Husband: I think we need to move

@skickwriter: Five Guys cashier: I'm sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don't want none, hon.

@NYorNothing: Him: Are u free later?
Me: No Iā€™m expensive all the time

@ClichedOut: me: dinosaurs can't talk

her: how do u know

me: they're all dead, barb

@ArfMeasures: Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father's Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They're awful. But at least they made me these cakes

@TheMichaelRock: If a dude is wearing cowboy clothes, is he ranch dressing?

@Shen_the_Bird: co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@cdn_tweetbait: If you mean by having sex every two years, then yes I am bisexual.