Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BGH70: Don't cry because it's over, scowl because you had to participate.

@WheelTod: When I can't afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

@Donna_McCoy: My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like "The one who eats all the donuts" and "Don't tell her there's pizza in the kitchen".

@simoncholland: People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

@InThaBurbs: Taking my sunglasses out of 2's hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@Gen22: My milkshake won't bring the boys to the yard but I'm betting my free wifi will.

@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

@WhoToldYou2: "Be the change you want to see in the world."

*Morphs into a kitten

@jackiembouvier: I can tell Spring is almost here because I'm on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I'd also like to plant some bulbs.

@TheToddWilliams: I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see...well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro