Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@moooooog35: Mechanic: Your car won't pass inspection

Me: Here's $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won't pass inspection

@Marcmywords2: Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

@Rollinintheseat: [High school reunion]

Person: "Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?"

Me: "You told me to never change."

@WheelTod: Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won't fit anyone else in the kingdom.

@wittwitbarista: *2 days before payday*
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

@Parkerlawyer: Hubs and I didn't touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

@3sunzzz: "This steak is really chewy."

*me drunk, eating my dog's toy*

@Boba_Photo: Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.

@duumb: [high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes