Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@1fragmentedmind: Some of you need to review your settings or medication...
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

@Skoog: [bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

@mela_shea: “Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

@LizHackett: A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

@McGrumpenstein: CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues...

@mom_tho: My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

@CArmanthegirl: H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

@junejuly12: At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

@McGrumpenstein: CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

@thecassiecao: why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don't even want people to see me eating spaghetti