Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@panmidwest: I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn't be fare to him

@Darlainky: Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should've forwarded that chain email.

@WordUpBitch: The second I feel pressured to do something, I'm out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it's bath time.

@IamEveryDayPpl: "Liquor in the front, poker in the back" is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church's charity poker team...

I know that now.

@ninjadinosaur1: The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I'm way too clingy, so the exorcism didn't work.

@daemonic3: "Update your Adobe or you'll be sleeping with the fishes"

- Flash mob

@MarfSalvador: Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it's a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

@the_gramble: Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot