Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@sonictyrant: [Gas Station]

CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that'll be $17.62

ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up

@TuSoonShakur: *ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

@Dawn_M_: If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@Gupton68: I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I'm saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

@SSparklesDaily: If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

@HenpeckedHal: Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That's great, hon! Where's the baby?
Me: Let me repeat...

@squirrel74wkgn: [watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays...”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

@sixfootcandy: Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

@melmadara: [at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

@Shot_Of_Cabo: Make her feel like she's the only woman in your freezer.