@don_haworth: I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
@LoveNLunchmeat: I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
@Fred_Delicious: My wife [sexily] - "why don't we...turn out the light?"
Me, a moth - "no"
@AngryRaccoon2: "Hey, we see that everything you've ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?"
@cakickboxher: The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”
@UncleDuke1969: [working late]
ME: I'm starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You're right, I feel better.
@PinkCamoTO: Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it's not on sale.