Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@iscoff: if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you're born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
@Book_Krazy: Satan: What's that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
@LoverOfComics94: How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you're going to do 2. Don't do it 3. Change the subject.
@Vodkantots: If a guy doesn't return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.
It probably isn't, but it might be.
@MsReyda: Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
"U got gum?"
"Give me some lotion"
"Hold my gun"
@DennisFarrell: Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
@RobbieGramer: Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens
@ClichedOut: [Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
@LostFelicia: Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
@JohnLyonTweets: One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.