Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@angibangie: Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

@simoncholland: It's fine to eat a "test" grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it's all, "sir you need to leave."

@rachelle_mandik: Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, "HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?"

@stephenjmolloy: [Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@hunz74: I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl...or you just went...or here you come. I don't know which direction I'm going with this.

@HatfieldAnne: I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

@Sickayduh: Your cougar jokes make me puma pants

@QwertyJones3: What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I'm going to grant this divorce

@Reverend_Scott: DOG 911: what's your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID "WALK" WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@johnlevenstein: My goal when I go to a friend's house for dinner is to befriend the dog to the point its loyalty is tested.