Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TheHyyyype: [i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i'm 28, i've been out drinking literally hundreds of times

@kica333: In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@panmidwest: me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

@bananagrvyrd: If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I'm pretty sure they'd make me repeat third grade.

@iwearaonesie: It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

@Mostly_Cheese: Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

@abaldguytweets: Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

@Skoogeth: god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity