@lisaxy424: Next time I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It's a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
@EyeSeeYou619: Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.
@rkatz94: Me: I'll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
"Your dad's alive. He's hiding in Cuba"
M: Did NOT see that coming
@edgarrants: I wish my wife's milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
@JoParkerBear: "Don't ever do cocaine, son."
"Why, mommy? Is it bad for you?"
"I was going to say 'expensive,' but yeah, whatever."
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody's getting sued...
@MasterOfFury: Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
@PaperWash: Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
Facebook: she's racist now
Facebook: everyone on here is