Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@therealeatwood: NELLY FURTADO: I’m suing you for stealing my name

DEMI LOVATO: But my name is Demi Lovato

NELLY: Right

DEMI: That’s different

NELLY: How

@trumpetcake: BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

@desusnice: John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam'ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

@ClichedOut: ME: I'll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

@WilliamAder: Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

@3hunnathot: one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo... it’s a good movie smh

@dafloydsta: Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

@TheMichaelRock: The person who named Hors d'oeuvres should not be allowed to name anything else.

@DaddyJew: Parent: my child's reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at?

Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet