Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@lafix: good work, everybody

@WhaJoTalkinBout: no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

@luvsoralfun: Relationship status: looking for a woman whose family would pay me $1mil to disappear and not contact her anymore...

@Pork_Chop_Hair: [texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

@mattwhitlockPM: dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are

@mrjohndarby: her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

@popespeed: i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase "really going to town" in sex scenes

@_coryrichardson: me: i can’t make it to work today

boss: why not

me: [trying to make something up] uh.... my grandmas gerbil exploded

boss: how does that keep happening

@FeelingEuphoric: HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

@GlennyRodge: "Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause..."
Barista: I'm writing "Mo".