Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@UnFitz: *goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

@jessokfine: Guys I've run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

@thisgirlstace: “I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

@CyrusOMerican: Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

@AmnesiaRose: Never judge a book by its cover unless it looks stupid.

@_davidlucas_: I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

@_Water_Baby: After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

@MarfSalvador: [fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you're right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

@MissHavisham: "Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?" the PTA mom asks brightly.
"I can't, I kill plants."
I lean in & whisper:
"On purpose."

@SardonicTart: Memorial Day was always my grandpa's favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.