Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@hoedeehoe: 1st date:
(don't let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what's your favorite thing that I've said so far tonight?

@junejuly12: Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don't need a nap anyway.

@WhaJoTalkinBout: New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

@TomSchally: I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

@MooseAllain: My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

@pplwtching: Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill...

That I do not possess, apparently.

@Hormonella: What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You're potty trained now. You didn't get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

@JillianKarger: [Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I'll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

@HousewifeOfHell: A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.