@hipstermermaid: I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
@iwearaonesie: Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
@LaurelPlane: My gynecologist didn't think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
@QwertyJones3: My wife & I couldn't agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
"What did you do?"
We finally found a happy medium
@WhaJoTalkinBout: Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn't look up* I already know them.
@_Water_Baby: *at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
@djdarrellripley: Him: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.