@LurkAtHomeMom: If you haven't told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you're a better parent than me.
@pbear79: Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I'm an AMAZING listener.
@bobvulfov: demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it'll never work
@LizHackett: It's Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
@upsidedowntrash: Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I've heard of him.
@Brainy_Bear: The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
@mattgallo123: Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
@TheCatWhisprer: Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it's a dead body.
@catstronomical: I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
@exclaimeditor: Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.