Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@Michael_Erhart: Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* "Figures."
@holyscum: boss: r u flexible this week
me: i used 2 be able 2 do a split in 4th grade i mean i could try but idk if there's enough space in ur office
@marsmaIlow: excuse me
@AimeeHelene1: Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I'm going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
@Moi_RaRa: I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.
@trojansauce: [pitching a tent]
INVESTOR: this really isn't a new idea
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it's clean?
@TheAlexNevil: 7: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
@Reverend_Scott: MARY JANE: daddy, what's my name from?
ME: it's from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
@mattZillaaaa: Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep