Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@VapingSonic: Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn't meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I'm really worth.

scan me

@shutupmikeginn: A dog is in my studio apartment and he keeps looking around for other rooms. I wish i was doing a little better too dude !

@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business

@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@msbtx: Son: What does "nihilism" mean?
Me: "Everything is meaningless."
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?

@panmidwest: [pulled over]
ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

@LemmingDad: When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they're saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@Cheeseboy22: My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn't something she wanted for Valentine's Day.

@kimlockhartga: Oh, you think it's "awkward" going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you've dated both the bride & groom.

@StinkyGr33n: I'm brimming with meh today. I'm a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm