Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TheHyyyype: [first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@bourgeoisalien: I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,"You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters."

@ohpegah: *thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

@TheHyyyype: WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what's on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

@AllieGoertz: For those who don't know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

@PunLovinLad: The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@Izianikapani: "I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour"

"Just do the damn laundry"

@junejuly12: *gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@realHamOnWry: There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@Ivsy01: Keep it mysterious, ladies...

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?