@sliver_of: *hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
@ArfMeasures: Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it
Date: I'll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
@HatfieldAnne: A master's degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
@TheToddWilliams: [job interview]
BOSS: We're looking for a real people person
ME: Well I'm definitely a human
@bobby: chipotle guy: i didn't charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i'm saying i need your card back.
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
chipotle guy: for the guac.
@yonewt: The greeting cards that best express my sentiments for every occasion are the ones marked "Blank Inside."
@joetullar123456: What's up r/relationships. So here's the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
@tastefactory: Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker's face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
@somecleverthing: Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.