Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@geowizzacist: What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

@fuzzlime: the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named "Ron"

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You've brought shame on us all.

@Ygrene: [forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@_salt_n_lime: Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.

@SeymourDLindsay: Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

@Parkerlawyer: I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

@_salt_n_lime: My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

@ChicksRule: Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

@soyourelikethat: i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking