@funflaps: lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I've abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
@underchilde: There’s not enough time in the day to stop and tell people they’re wrong.
@_davidlucas_: I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
@girl_a_whirl: *lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
@delusions_of: Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.
@dumbbeezie: Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
@stephenjmolloy: Mafia boss: "So, did you do it? Is he dead?"
Me, suddenly realising what it means to 'take somebody out': "Oh, err..."
@_youhadonejob1: They’ll be astounded.
@3sunzzz: No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I'm going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can't. It's Lent.