Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@fro_vo: *mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

@ThisLocalHater: Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*climbs into a wood chipper*

@Gupton68: I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

@sixfootcandy: Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

@FeralCrone: A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

@squirrel74wkgn: [at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno...saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

@Steven37366100: Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

@TweetPotato314: The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

@AnkCoupleTO: [gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it's CLEARLY mutual

@sofarrsogud: [Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice