Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@LackOfShame: If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
@envydatropic: 99 bottles of beer on the wall?
@sarah1mc: I wasn't going to say anything but that's not really my style.
Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?
@TyWebb1980: *Arrives at the barbers*
"I'd like some highlights please"
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
@adamjest: My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex's car window
@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
@Laser_Cat: God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
@KateWhineHall: A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they're dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
@iGreenMonk: I watch birds sometimes and wonder, "If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?"