@TheHyyyype: [first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
@bourgeoisalien: I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,"You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters."
@ohpegah: *thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
@TheHyyyype: WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what's on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
@AllieGoertz: For those who don't know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
@PunLovinLad: The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
@Izianikapani: "I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour"
"Just do the damn laundry"
@junejuly12: *gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
@realHamOnWry: There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
@Ivsy01: Keep it mysterious, ladies...
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?