Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Cycloptomese: Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why'd you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!


@RedRegenerated: ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But...but he hasn't been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

@ArfMeasures: Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

@WhaJoTalkinBout: customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

@BunAndLeggings: Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we've thought about having less.

@Book_Krazy: [Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

@OctopusCaveman: My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

@AmishPornStar1: When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans...

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

@BoomBoomBetty: When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

@EyalAlony: Hostess: It's a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.


Me: Write it down.