Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@Michael_Erhart: Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* "Figures."

@holyscum: boss: r u flexible this week
me: i used 2 be able 2 do a split in 4th grade i mean i could try but idk if there's enough space in ur office

@AimeeHelene1: Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I'm going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

@Moi_RaRa: I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.

@trojansauce: [pitching a tent]
INVESTOR: this really isn't a new idea

@SondraDeeMe: [babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it's clean?

@TheAlexNevil: 7: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

@Reverend_Scott: MARY JANE: daddy, what's my name from?

ME: it's from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

@mattZillaaaa: Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep