Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@UnFitz: Her: I've never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we're not counting your voice?

@geowizzacist: Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

@str8upjuggahos: Hmm I don't really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

@TheAlexP: *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@ObscureGent: [Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

@delusions_of: If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn't work play "Tiny Dancer". Bears love that song.

@c12h22o11balls: Dad: It's atomic number is 26. Oh, and it's chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it's in my blood

@DrCephalopod: [doctor's office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let's have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

@okimstillhungry: I see you have a tattoo that says "Only god can judge me." Buddy, you're not gonna believe what im doing right now.