@UnFitz: Her: I've never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we're not counting your voice?
@str8upjuggahos: Hmm I don't really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
@TheAlexP: *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.
@ObscureGent: [Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
@delusions_of: If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn't work play "Tiny Dancer". Bears love that song.
@c12h22o11balls: Dad: It's atomic number is 26. Oh, and it's chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it's in my blood
@DrCephalopod: [doctor's office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let's have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
@okimstillhungry: I see you have a tattoo that says "Only god can judge me." Buddy, you're not gonna believe what im doing right now.