@fro_vo: *mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
@ThisLocalHater: Let me slip into something more comfortable.
*climbs into a wood chipper*
@Gupton68: I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
@sixfootcandy: Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
@FeralCrone: A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno...saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
@Steven37366100: Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
@TweetPotato314: The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it's CLEARLY mutual