@AmoNickk: Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It's my face
@_freeayo: Some baby on this train is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!”
@JohnLyonTweets: A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
@PetrickSara: Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
@continentlbkfst: boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
@batkaren: The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
@fro_vo: FRIEND: it's saturday! you know what that means...
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
@Grommit56: A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won't speak. It throws up it's hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.