Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ArfMeasures: Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

@Lhlodder: Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

@robin_991: Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

@envydatropic: I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

@Tmoney68: "He is woke." - Millenial Easter

@ohen39: friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes

@Divergentmama: My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I've decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

@pant_leg: why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@notashleywintle: My boyfriend:

Me: hey no pressure but if we got married this week on 4/20 our 50th anniversary would be 4/20/69 just something to think about

@uheartIessbitch: just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you... I am not Whitney Houston