Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@JimmerThatisAll: You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

@Mom_Overboard: Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

@HenpeckedHal: doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

@envydatropic: *Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

@iwearaonesie: me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

@MissHavisham: 7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

@MarfSalvador: [bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that's it keep pushing

@AnniemuMary: I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair: “The weed made me do it!” I sob on the kitchen floor, surrounded by dozens of perfectly, freshly baked muffins, brownies and cookies.

“Do this every day”, says one of my kids.

My family has never been happier.