Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@markydoodoo: sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

@mindflakes: Anyone here good with computers? Trying to figure out how to attach a swarm of wasps to an email

@stephenjmolloy: Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

@: Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

@sofarrsogud: BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

@roxiqt: ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn't realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren't supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

@Holy_Mowgli: arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like "come with me if you want tulips" and "it's not a petunia" and "your clovers. give them to me"

@Metalligretch: I'm working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@: I'm working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@DavidJuurlink: My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.