Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@hipstermermaid: I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

@iwearaonesie: Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@LaurelPlane: My gynecologist didn't think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

@QwertyJones3: My wife & I couldn't agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

"What did you do?"

We finally found a happy medium

@WhaJoTalkinBout: Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn't look up* I already know them.

@_Water_Baby: *at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

@junejuly12: I just play poker so I can say I'm going all in without smirking.

@_davidlucas_: Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.


@djdarrellripley: Him: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

@stevevsninjas: If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.