Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@wildethingy: The human mind is capable of things you can't even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

@vineyille: [face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

@House_Feminist: are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@: are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@ItsSamG: My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

@ArielDumas: Ok I'll come clean. When people say "asking for a friend," they're talking about me. I'm the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

@ClichedOut: WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

@C00LpenNAME: God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

@AnitaHelmet: Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

@sysprew: You had me at “we have a warrant”