Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@ShortSleeveSuit: [speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there's poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
@KrangTNelson: ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday's Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
@paralysing_word: If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you're gonna miss the movie
@itrevormoore: I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for "stealing" their cart of food. YOU DON'T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
@_youhadonejob1: Commas. Use them.
Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster?
Me: There's only 1 in the tank & he's holding a sign that says 'I have a family'
@ComedicBust: [History Channel]
Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.
Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?