Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@mrjohndarby: went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said 'isnt that too many?' so i said 'yes' and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@thrillhicks: I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

@Lisabug74: My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

@junejuly12: Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

@ddsmidt: I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

@aissalanis: Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

@AndrewNadeau0: GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

@AndrewNadeau0: {The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

@3sunzzz: I don't mean to appear simple-minded but I don't understand how snails made it to Noah's Ark but unicorns didn't.

@JJSummertime: These golfers behind me keep yelling, "Take your shot!" but they haven't poured me any tequila.