Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@AngryRaccoon2: "Hey, we see that everything you've ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?"

-Netflix.

@fro_vo: [fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

@insanelynormal1: It all went downhill when he texted me he's abscessed with me.

@cakickboxher: The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

@UncleDuke1969: [working late]

ME: I'm starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You're right, I feel better.

@PinkCamoTO: Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it's not on sale.

@AbbieEvansXO: Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

@WilliamAder: No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@gabriellejwhite: “What if a dumpster could yell at you” - the thought that led to this website probably. Goodnight

@AimeeHelene1: You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat's teeth...and all of a sudden you're banned for life.
*sighs*