Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@alexlumaga: Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

@tweetsbyrocket: teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son's unrealistic expectations

@TweetPotato314: my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

@steeve_again: Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

@BoomBoomBetty: My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

@andlikelaura: [harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

@david8hughes: Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

@Aikiwomannc: Music - rock band

Jehovah's Witness - knock band

Boats - dock band

Lip synched - mock band

Athletes - jock band

Safe cracker - lock band

Puppet - sock band

Clock maker - tock band

Chicken - b'gok band

Rooster - cock band

@taramae72: I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn't have a beer belly... it's a "rummy tummy."

You're welcome.