Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@mrjohndarby: me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i'm all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

@mommajessiec: Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

@gobmentcheese: Start hating people now, so you don't have to buy them a Christmas present. Don't wait until the last minute.

@sixfootcandy: Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

@shutupmikeginn: Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

@LlamaInaTux: [Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he's all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

@AndyRichter: The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@ohen39: [meeting girlfriend's parents]
me: I'm a big fan of your work

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I've been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn't eat it