Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@kelly_pawlluck: Cute guy: I like that you just say what's on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

@_Tempo11: [me dress shopping]

"Ohhhh that's cute"

*an 80 year old buys it*

@liv_thatsme: Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine's Day

@jordan_stratton: All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

@wendchymes: House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

@liv_thatsme: I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

@Donna_McCoy: [first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(...comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@dsylixec: If you're trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.