@ValeeGrrl: My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is "cuz I'd get to sit down a lot" and I've never felt more related to him.
@KyleMcDowell86: CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
@mortimermaiden: Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won't start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
@DeadLioness: Do people who say that they're just thinking out loud realize that there's a verb for that already and it's called 'speaking'?
@SamanthaRae49: Him: "You'll never find another guy like me."
Me: "That's kind of the point."
@KentWGraham: We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
@bornmiserable: Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
@spark_asis: I don't get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
"your honor, I'd like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry."
@AnOrangeSNES: CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they're so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
@ClichedOut: Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
M: They didn't tell me.