Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@EndhooS: [Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

@mrjohndarby: [arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

@Marlebean: *Sends carrier pigeon back*

"I have a suitor."

@Playing_Dad: Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it's cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you're worried it's cancer let's go get it checked out.
Me: No, I'm good.

@LlamaInaTux: Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I'm a man

@Reverend_Scott: [history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

@Darlainky: Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

@elle91: What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

@junejuly12: To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

@prufrockluvsong: Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.