Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@HenpeckedHal: me: no need to cut it, it's just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

@LoveNLunchmeat: Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

@com3t0think0fit: Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

@drinksmcgee: [Speed Date]

Her: Hi! I'm Sus... wait... is that your dog with you?

*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*

Me: NEXT!!!!

@BunAndLeggings: 1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God....
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she's.... a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??... cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

@funflaps: Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You'll turn into a blueberry
M: I'm doing it
W: Don't
M:

@alexlumaga: God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

@sensual_dad: [watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@PaperWash: Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe...Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama's mouth] are so excited!