Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@iLikeCatShirts: Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

@BrassBallsCJ: Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

@AnniemuMary: My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

@AngryRaccoon2: *Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

@JoParkerBear: You catch more bees with honey, but I don't want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I'd want exactly zero bees.

@sonictyrant: Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back

Mojo: still no

@Browtweaten: Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who's fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

@sliver_of: *licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

@twitersgoodboy: What I remember most about my neighbor who turned out to be a serial killer is that he was always very loud and never kept to himself. "I'm up to something!" he would shout constantly at my Oscar parties.