Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@AbbieEvansXO: Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

@MarfSalvador: [restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don't be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

@murrman5: my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

@LlamaInaTux: [Bartending]

Girl: I'd like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I'll make it, just stop calling me that

@LlamaInaTux: Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@bobby: just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

@daemonic3: WIFE: I can't take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. "Simon says" sign these divorce papers

@Shen_the_Bird: good cop: don't make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

@daemonic3: The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@: The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.