@Poutymcgee: Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Ray. My creepy Uncle's naaaame.
@SteveKoehler22: IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.
The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
@AZHORSEMOM77: I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
@Cravin4: I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
"Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."
@bonehugsnirony: [at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you're underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
@jergarl: One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.
Ironically, that's also the day I learned karate on a ladder.
@TheMichaelRock: You've made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.
@kwkorpi: My dog just winked at me, and now I'm wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
@thenatewolf: Tell me more about these male enhancement pills...
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?
@GodfreyElfwick: Mark my words, the amount of candles I'm gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.