@HenpeckedHal: me: no need to cut it, it's just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
@LoveNLunchmeat: Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
@com3t0think0fit: Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
Me: Not today Satan.
@drinksmcgee: [Speed Date]
Her: Hi! I'm Sus... wait... is that your dog with you?
*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*
@BunAndLeggings: 1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
Me:Oh my God....
Me: she's.... a prophet!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
Me: cheez-its??... cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
@funflaps: Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You'll turn into a blueberry
M: I'm doing it
@alexlumaga: God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
@sensual_dad: [watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
@PaperWash: Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe...Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama's mouth] are so excited!