@junejuly12: Sorry I'm late but my goldfish needed a bath.
@pixelatedboat: “Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
@iamspacegirl: the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters
@rancheroni: [preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: *thinking* but why her back though
@daemonic3: The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
@TheWoodenslurpy: *walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max... my son.
@captainkalvis: me: i'd like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm
employee: sir, this is a McDonald's
me: oh my bad. i'd like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm
employee: perfect, see you then
@finah: this little girl next door just opened her window and yelled “what’s 49 plus 13?” so i yelled back 62 and she said thank you god
@Laser_Cat: When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
@moist_bennett: Y’all made H&M drop prices by 80% imma need y’all to find the most racist thing gucci has ever done so I can go shopping