@ericsshadow: What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
@Shot_Of_Cabo: My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I'm just glad the police haven't found the old one.
@Sanbel11: I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
@usermcuserface: Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?
@MarfSalvador: [Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
@GrantTanaka: wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
@Cyd10e: Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
@notacroc: Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can't go in
@bourgeoisalien: Thanks for telling me I'm really funny 'for a girl.' You're really stupid for a human.
@david8hughes: [teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it