Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@UnFitz: I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

@pixelatedboat: New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds

@MomOnFire: MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

@Mom_Overboard: Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

@TweetPotato314: I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

@ItsAndyRyan: Me: I've lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can't look up anything

@MissHavisham: 7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@Mom_Overboard: Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I... I can't tell

@SortaBad: [inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

@PleaseBeGneiss: [first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels