Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

@batkaren: "You're auditioning for Scrooge," the casting agent says. "No family, no one loves you—"

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

@Brampersandon_: [being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?

@timothybird186: *uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

@BoogTweets: Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire

Me:

[sirens]

@ParasiteHilton: *watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles "DON'T GET CAUGHT"*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@AndrewNadeau0: You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful

@jctwritesstuff: Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

@RealBobMortimer: FOR SALE: Circular metal shield with metal handle... possibly Roman??..(chanced across it on top of my dustbin) £8.00

@tacsanitchiban: *strokes your eyebrows the wrong way while your sleeping