@abi4205: Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
@fu_dad: It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
@sixfootcandy: Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I'm too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
@not_delicate: Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.
Interviewer: I'm not sure I'd call that a 'strength.'
@fu_dad: Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can't read
@simoncholland: Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
@BGH70: If you've ever asked yourself, "what if Cartman grew up and became president?", well…
@LeBearGirdle: *valentine's night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can't hear you