Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@LlamaInaTux: [first day as a doctor]
Me: We're going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It's only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

@HansGrubertron: [First day as a hacker]

Boss: what's taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

@Darlainky: Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace......WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

@Home_Halfway: [Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you're wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you're bad

PSO: Pretend you're the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia

@UncleDuke1969: The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

@GrimReaperInc: The lord spoke and said "let there be light" and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said "let there be darkness" and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said "let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing" and Death got laid.

@AmericanGent69: Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

@iwearaonesie: me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@sixfootcandy: Me: Wouldn't it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

@surrealvehicle: [Lingerie store]

ME: I'd like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I'd prefer new ones.