Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@junejuly12: Sorry I'm late but my goldfish needed a bath.

@pixelatedboat: “Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

@iamspacegirl: the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

@rancheroni: [preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

@daemonic3: The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

@TheWoodenslurpy: *walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max... my son.

@captainkalvis: me: i'd like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: sir, this is a McDonald's

me: oh my bad. i'd like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: perfect, see you then

@finah: this little girl next door just opened her window and yelled “what’s 49 plus 13?” so i yelled back 62 and she said thank you god

@Laser_Cat: When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

@moist_bennett: Y’all made H&M drop prices by 80% imma need y’all to find the most racist thing gucci has ever done so I can go shopping