Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@DrunksWithGuns: If I could make water into wine, I'd probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

@pleatedjeans: I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@G_Faylor: an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don't act like some big science guy

@House_Feminist: Imagine having a baby that didn't photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

@ThaJawn: (playing Monopoly)

Hour 1: Why don't we play this more?

Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?

@chuuew: HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I'll go slow
HER: If you're sure...
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

@jjhartinger: War & Peace wasn't written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@NewDadNotes: DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An...

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died

@AndrewNadeau0: {Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We're looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don't seem relevant to the overall plot line.