Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TheHyyyype: ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

@TheToddWilliams: COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let's check upsta--

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

@TheDreamGhoul: *sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU'RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

@beefman138: If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : "He said, stupidly."

@jjhartinger: I'm curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, "I'm going to eat that."

@dlicj: [at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

@HomeProbably: When someone's ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We'll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@CopBroughtPizza: I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN'T STOP SHOUTING!

@BuckyIsotope: [commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

@dave_cactus: ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.