Funny Tweeter

@Mickey_McCauley: For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage "Wonderwall" on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

@TheNardvark: It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but "helper monkeys" Me: *lowers hand*

@IamEnidColeslaw: but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

@marlespo: My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.

@The_Sculptress: Always be yourself, unless you can be a giraffe. Then, be a giraffe.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the "life of the party."

@GreenishDuck: Fun Fact: 100% of people don't know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else's house.

@omgthatspunny: I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.

@zgbetty: Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.